Everything posted by guru
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Favorite Ground Tents
From what I have been reading, alot of people that had roof top tents have moved to ground tents and some of the most popular ground tents are... Gazelle (summer time since its non-insulated) Advantage: Very affordable Advantage: Very popular (probably because very affordable) Overlandish (4 season tent) Advantage: camp anytime, anywhere Advantage: built to last a lifetime Advantage: popular for serious overlanders What are other ground tents you like to use and the Pros and Cons of them
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The Essential Tool Kit for Taking Your Toyota Off-Road
Overland Tool Kit is not available to the United States and strictly to Canada but you could build that toolkit if you buy the Blue Ridge Overland tool bag and populate it with tools that are high quality, pro-level tools (Made In The USA by Tekton Tools). The tool list has been put together by Overland Outfitters, specifically for the Toyota Tacoma/4Runner/FJ Cruiser. If you drive a Tundra or Sequoia, the only tool missing will be the 39mm 12 point Axle Nut socket. Kit Bag Details:1000D Cordura Nylon main body and pockets 18oz heavy duty PVC vinyl back layer YKK8 Coil zippers 6 pockets, measuring: six 12" x 4" Detailed Tool List:SAE SOCKETS 3/8 in. Drive x 4.5 in. Ratchet 1/2 in. Drive x 10.5 in. Ratchet 3/8 in. Drive x 8 in. Flex Ratchet 3/8 in. Drive x 5/8 in. Spark Plug Socket METRIC SOCKETS 12-pc 3/8 in Drive Socket Set (8-19 mm) 6p Rail 19-pc 3/8 in Drive Deep Socket Set (6-24 mm) 6p Rail 1/2 in. Drive x17 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) 1/2 in. Drive x 19 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) 1/2 in. Drive x 21 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) 1/2 in. Drive x 22 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) 1/2 in. Drive x 24 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) 1/2 in. Drive x 35 mm Deep Impact Socket (6-point) SOCKET WRENCHES, SWIVELS, EXTENSIONS, TORX & ALLEN BITS 1/2 in. Drive x 18 in. Breaker Bar 3-pc 3/8 in Drive Extension Set (3, 6, 10 in) 10-pc 3/8 in Drive Hex Bit Socket Set (3-10 mm) Rail 12-pc 3/8 in Drive Torx Bit Socket Set (T10-T60) Rail SAE COMBO WRENCHES 15-pc. Combination Wrench Set (1/4-1in) METRIC WRENCHES 19-pc. Combination Wrench Set (6-24 mm) SCREW/BIT DRIVERS, OTHER HAND TOOLS 7 in. Wire Stripper 8 in. Adjustable Wrench 47 oz Ball Peen Dead Blow Hammer 12-3/4 in. Groove Joint Pliers (2-5/8 in. Jaw) 9-pc. Solid Punch Set (1/16 - 3/8 in.) 6-pc Ph/Sl 4 in Driver Set [HH Chrome] (#0-2 1/8-1/4in) 12 in. Angled Tip Handled Pry Bar 17 in. Angled Tip Handled Pry Bar 7 in. Straight Jaw Locking Pliers 6 in. Long Nose Locking Pliers 7 in. Diagonal Cutting Pliers 9-1/2 in. Lineman's Pliers 8 in. Long Nose Pliers
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How do you utilize MOLLE Panels
MOLLE (Modular Lightweight Load-carrying Equipment) has been around a long time. The U.S. military has used MOLLE (Modular Lightweight Load-carrying Equipment) since its introduction in 1997, replacing the older ALICE system, but it became widely adopted and seen in combat operations (like Afghanistan/Iraq) after the 2001 9/11 attacks, evolving into MOLLE II with enhanced features for better comfort and load distribution. To use MOLLE (Modular Lightweight Load-carrying Equipment) panels effectively, you must correctly "weave" attachments through the grid to ensure they remain secure during movement or off-roading. 1. Attachment Methods The most common way to use a MOLLE panel is by attaching gear using integrated straps or specialized mounts: Weave Strategy: For soft pouches, thread the attachment straps alternately through the panel’s slots and the pouch's own webbing. This interlacing creates a rigid, non-slip bond. Never skip rows, as this makes the gear sag or bounce. Alignment: Position your pouch over the panel. Align the first horizontal row of webbing on the back of the pouch with the top row of webbing on the panel. Initial Threading: Take the attachment strap (on the pouch) and push it downward through the first row of webbing on the panel. The Weave: Thread that same strap back through the first row of webbing on the pouch itself. Repeat: Continue this alternating pattern—through the panel, then through the pouch—until you reach the end of the straps. For the most secure fit, do not skip any rows. Locking: Once at the bottom, secure the strap using its snap button, tuck-tab, or fastener. Hardware Mounts: For rigid items (axes, shovels, fire extinguishers), use hardware like QuickFist rubber clamps or specialized MOLLE mounts that bolt directly through the panel's holes. Velcro & Straps: Many vehicle panels are compatible with hook-and-loop (Velcro) straps or simple cinch straps to hold larger or odd-shaped items like recovery ropes. 2. Common Applications Vehicle Interiors: Panels can be mounted to seat backs, center consoles, or rear windows to organize first-aid kits, multi-tools, and flashlights. Truck Beds: Panels mounted above wheel wells or on bedside walls are used to secure heavy recovery gear, traction boards, and fluid tanks. Cases & Backpacks: Rigid panels can be inserted into the lids of hard cases (like Pelican cases) to turn wasted space into an organized tool or tech kit. 3. Usage Tips for 2025 Weight Management: A single vehicle panel typically supports a static load of 30–40 lbs. For heavier items (up to 80 lbs), span the load across multiple panels or mount points. Ergonomics: Place frequently used items (e.g., med kits or fire extinguishers) in "quick-access" zones like the tailgate area or the side of the center console.
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Victory 4x4
Victory 4x4 is a US-based manufacturer in Michigan specializing in aftermarket armor, roof racks, and storage for Toyota/Lexus off-road vehicles, known for its USA-made steel/aluminum products focused on overlanding and exploration, stemming from the JcrOffroad brand. They emphasize durable, adventure-ready gear like modular bumpers with accessory mounts (tire carriers, traction boards) and feature-rich roof racks designed for functionality and style, though some customers have reported past quality control issues. https://www.youtube.com/victory4x4 Who we are Short Clip
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All Roads Taken
Explore some of America's most beautiful places and get Adventure Badges to mark the memories. "All Roads Taken" is a brand offering durable, metal adventure badges for vehicles to commemorate travels to national parks, state parks, trails, and more, linked to a digital "Adventure Log" to map and share journeys, encouraging exploration and storytelling for adventurers and travelers. What it is: Physical Badges: High-quality, all-metal badges made in the USA that attach to vehicles, representing specific locations or trails. Digital Platform: An online "Adventure Log" where users can digitally track, map, and record their visited places and memories. Commemorate Journeys: A way for individuals to document their adventures, from national parks to off-road trails, turning experiences into tangible displays. How it Works: Travel & Explore: Visit parks, trails, or other destinations. Get the Badge: Purchase the corresponding metal badge for that location. Log Your Adventure: Connect your physical badge to the online Adventure Log to record your visit, add photos, or use the honor system. Display & Share: Mount badges on your vehicle or display them, sparking conversations and sharing your travel stories. Purpose: To inspire curiosity and adventure in families, couples, and solo travelers. To provide a quality, lasting memento of exploration. To build a community of like-minded adventurers.
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Shore to Shore Rustic (by Discover 4x4 Adventures)
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Join Discover 4×4 Adventures as we lead from the eastern sunrise on Lake Huron to the western sunset on Lake Michigan. This three-day trek begins in Oscoda Michigan with a sunrise gathering on Lake Huron and finishes with a beach sunset on Lake Michigan. Let us lead you across the state using the Michigan trail system as our main route and rustic camping at Michigan’s great state forest campgrounds. *** Tickets limited to the first 15 Vehicles*** – Ticket price is per vehicle Go check out the website for more details and to signup -
Shore to Shore in Comfort (by Discover 4x4 Adventures)
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Join Discover 4×4 Adventures as we lead from the eastern sunrise on Lake Huron to the western sunset on Lake Michigan. This three-day and 3 Hotel night trek begins in Oscoda Michigan with a sunrise gathering on Lake Huron and finishes with a beach sunset on Lake Michigan. Get more details and signup here https://discover4x4adventures.com/product/shore-to-shore-comfort-april/ A quick video of a shore to shore trip -
Women’s Wheeling Weekend (WWW) – Windrock (by Discover 4x4 Adventures)
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This is a Ladies ONLY event. Bring your best friend, your sister, your daughter, your mother, your co-worker . . . Any woman that would like to be encouraged and built up by other strong ladies. By the weekends end you’ll be sure to make a friend, feel more confident in your 4×4 vehicle and empowered as a woman! Go check out this link for more details https://discover4x4adventures.com/product/womens-wheeling-weekend-ticket/ Check out some video from 2025 Womens Wheeling Weekend in Windrock -
KOAR 2026
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"KOAR" can refer to several things, most commonly the Keweenaw Overland Adventure Retreat (an off-roading/camping event in Michigan's UP) or KOAR, LLC, a real estate investment firm, but also a Christian radio station (KOAR-FM) or even a fantasy deity. The context of where you see "KOAR" determines which entity it is, with the adventure retreat being a popular, active community event. Here's a breakdown: Keweenaw Overland Adventure Retreat (KOAR): An annual event for overlanding enthusiasts in Michigan's Keweenaw Peninsula, featuring off-road exploration, camping, workshops, and community. KOAR, LLC: A US real estate company focused on acquiring, developing, and managing properties, particularly industrial, self-storage, and mixed-use. KOAR-FM: A contemporary Christian radio station in Searcy, Arkansas, part of the Air 1 network. Koar (Mythology): In the GemStone IV MUD, Koar is the King of the Gods, ruling the Arkati. If you're seeing it online, it's likely the popular adventure retreat or the real estate firm; for radio, it's the station; and in gaming, the deity. Buy Tickets and see more: https://northologyadventures.com/event/koar-2026-keweenaw-overland-adventure-retreat/ -
Toyota LandCruiser 79 Series
YES PLEASE!!! https://youtu.be/zM29VBWd3QQ?si=VapAk8vPRUuuOE1v Another great video showing this awesome vehicle
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Classic Land Cruiser from 2002 vs NEW Land Cruiser
Check out this video Another great comparison of old versus new
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KOAR 2026
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OVERLAND BASECAMP COMMUNITY EVENT: The Keweenaw Peninsula is the perfect backdrop for a basecamp location centered around sight-seeing, hiking, and rugged two-track exploration for just about every level of comfort & ability. At camp there will be vendors, seminars, demos & clinics, door prizes, live entertainment and a play/activity area for the kids. Off-camp adventure options include two-track touring, rockhounding, waterfall chasing, astrophotography, kayaking, mountain biking, hiking, sea plane tours and more (some activities require reservations and are not included in your KOAR ticket.) Camping, swag bag, printed guide, sticker, tee and all basecamp activities included with your KOAR Pass. Day Pass includes printed guide, sticker, raffle ticket and all basecamp activities, no camping, tee or swag bag. Some offsite activities require an extra fee (seaplane tour, mtb & sea kayaking for example.) NOTE: Times, activities, and venue subject to change without notice. REFUNDS: Full refunds available up to 30 days prior to the event only. WAIVER: By purchasing a ticket to this event, you acknowledge and accept all risks associated with overland travel, camping, trail use, and event participation. You agree to release, indemnify, and hold harmless the event organizers, volunteers, landowners, sponsors, partners, and any affiliated individuals or entities from any and all claims, injuries, damages, losses, or liabilities that may occur, including those arising from negligence. Your participation is voluntary, and you accept full responsibility for your own safety and the safety of any minors or guests in your care. PURCHASE TICKETS HERE -
Overland Alliance
Offroad Alliance is a veteran-owned company that sells and provides installation services for off-road parts and accessories for trucks, SUVs, and UTVs. They offer a wide selection of products for overland and off-road adventures, including exterior upgrades, trail lighting, and rooftop tents
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Crawler Offroad
All our items are meticulously crafted, engineered, and subjected to rigorous testing right here in the United States. However, to maintain affordability in the global market, we strategically source raw materials and handle manufacturing overseas for some products. This allows us to provide top-notch products at competitive prices while upholding the quality and standards you expect from Crawler Offroad.
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Motosport
MotoSport has a growing stock of in-house products that cost you less while retaining the quality and durability of major brand names. Customers nationwide from beginner to professional have relied on Artrax tires, FilGuard oil and air filters, Driven Brakes, Turner Chains & Sprockets, HP Tools for wrenching and Rock ATV accessories. New to the MotoSport family of brands is RDRCO Riding Gear. Employee designed and tested, RDRCO offers the complete dirt bike gear package at a fraction of the cost.
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Rocky Mountain ATV
Rocky Mountain ATV/MC is a leading online retailer and dealership that sells parts, accessories, and apparel for off-road vehicles like ATVs, dirt bikes, and UTVs, as well as mountain bikes. Founded in 1985 by Dan Thomas, the Utah-based company provides products from numerous brands, offers free shipping on orders over $75, and has a reputation for excellent customer service. The company is also 100% employee-owned
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Crockpot Slow Cooker Ham
This amazing Crockpot Ham is the BEST slow cooker ham recipe! It's cooked in pineapple juice with a brown sugar glaze featuring Dijon, balsamic vinegar, and honey for an EASY holiday dinner Remove ham from the packaging and discard any flavoring packet. If using a bone-in ham, check the end of the bone for a plastic cap and, if present, discard. Pour the pineapple juice in bottom of a large (6- to 9-quart), oval slow cooker. In a medium bowl, mix the brown sugar, Dijon, balsamic vinegar, and honey into a paste. Spread brown sugar mixture all over ham and place, flat side down, in slow cooker. Cover slow cooker with lid and set to LOW. Cook ham for 4 to 6 hours or until the meat is tender and the internal temperature reaches 140°F. If desired, flip and baste the ham halfway through cooking time and again about an hour before the ham is done. Once ham is done, remove to a platter and tent with foil to keep warm and rest for 15 minutes. Skim any fat and strain the juices from the crock pot into a saucepan. Place the pot on the stove over medium heat and bring the juices to a simmer. In a small bowl, use a fork to stir the cornstarch into the water to make a slurry. Slowly pour the slurry into the pot while whisking the ham juices. Allow the mixture to bubble and thicken for a minute or two, stirring occasionally. If you desire a thicker sauce, you may make and stir in a bit more cornstarch slurry. Serve the ham warm, with the sauce on the side or spooned on top. NOTES You may use a bone-in ham (recommended) or boneless, whole or spiral cut, cured or uncured, smoked or not, shank, butt, or shoulder. To determine number of servings, estimate approximately ½ pound of boneless ham per person and ¾ pound of bone-in ham per person. A ham that's less than 7 or 8 pounds will probably reach 140° sooner than 4 to 6 hours. The ham is already cooked, so all you are doing is heating it through to a safe temperature and allowing it to absorb the flavors of the glaze. For example, a small 3-pound ham will probably be done in 2 ½ to 3 hours. Overcooking will lead to a tough, dry ham, even in the crock pot! You may also want to halve the other recipe ingredients if cooking a ham that's smaller than 4 pounds. Try to ensure that your ham is going to fit in your crock pot before buying it. However, if your ham is particularly large or of a shape that will not allow the lid of the slow cooker to properly close, trim off a chunk of ham to make it fit. As a last resort, you may cover the slow cooker with a tightly-sealed, triple layer of heavy duty foil instead. Beware of hot steam when you remove the foil! If you prefer an oven-cooked ham effect, you may brush the entire ham with the thickened glaze and pop it under the broiler for about 5 minutes (watch it closely!) before serving. When thickening your glaze, do not add straight cornstarch to the hot liquid or it will clump, and do not over stir the sauce once the cornstarch has been added or it may not thicken properly.
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Snow Way Dude 2026 (by Discover 4x4 Adventures)
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Make winter fun again! Come explore these beautiful Michigan trails with an exciting atmosphere that only Snow Way Dude can bring! Purchase Tickets here The weekend festivities will begin with a Friday evening trail ride. Saturday the day will be spent on the trails in the Grayling, Michigan area. Participants are responsible for their own lunch and snacks on the trails. The day on the trail will finish with a group dinner where we can share stories from our adventures. There will be an optional trail ride offered in Sunday from 10-2pm. "VIP" VEHICLE/ROOM TICKET: -Up to 4 persons and two vehicle passes for the trail rides. -One room, 2 nights (Friday & Saturday) accommodations at Lakeside Resort and Conference Center at 100 Clearview Drive, Houghton Lake, MI. - 4 tickets into the pool and hot tub area. -Trail Guiding for Friday, Saturday and Sunday -Saturday night dinner accommodations with raffle. One raffle ticket is included and more tickets will be available for purchase. ***Additional children's tickets are available for purchase and will include a pool area pass and dinner for Saturday night.*** SINGLE TRAIL RIDER (no hotel room) TICKET: -Trail Guiding for the weekend -Saturday night dinner accommodations for one adult (age 14 and older) ***Saturday night banquet dinner will be hosted at NORTHERN CENTER. With a cash bar for alcohol*** ***31" minimum tire size, recovery points and true 4wd strongly suggested for this event*** - JEGS
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Summit Racing
Performance Auto Parts & More — Shop Performance and Replacement Parts, Accessories, Tools, Apparel, Gifts and more. Big Inventory at Lower Prices. Fast Shipping. Order Your Parts From Summit Racing Today!
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Summit Racing
Performance Auto Parts & More — Shop Performance and Replacement Parts, Accessories, Tools, Apparel, Gifts and more. Big Inventory at Lower Prices. Fast Shipping. Order Your Parts From Summit Racing Today! View full record
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Detroit Winterfest
REQUIREMENTS Flags Required No ATVs or Motorcycles SIGNUP https://4festevents.com/detroit-winterfest-detroit-mi-off-roading-event/register-2/ AGENDA 8:00 AM Gates Open For Parking – Shields Rd. Entrance Flag Sales & Installation Will Begin 9:00 AM Gates open at Holly Oaks ORV Park - Entrance on Shields Rd. Vendor Village opens Vendor Displays Open D&W Street Food Hot Chocolate provided by Dana 10:00 AM Off-Road 101 course by Wicked Jeeps 11:00 AM Lunch Service Begins 12:00 PM Guided Park Tour - Meet at 4Fest Events Merchandise Trailer 1:00 PM Off-Road 101 course by Wicked Jeeps 2:00 PM Lunch Service Ends 5:00 PM NightFest by TYRI Lighting 7 :30 PM Trail Sweeping Begins 8:00 PM Gates Locked Trail MapDownload Map
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Great Lakes 4x4 Winter Blast in St. Helen
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Great Lakes Four Wheel Drive Association is sponsoring a two day event exploring the wonderful and hopefully snowy trails through the St. Helen area and beyond! REQUIREMENTS 2025 ORV permits required (2026 ORV isn't required until April 1st 2026) AGENDA Thursday (Thursday evening registration and socialization) 5:00pm Trail signup for Friday and Saturday Friday 8:00am Trail riding (Drivers Meeting, Offroading 9am-4pm(ish), Pack a Lunch) 5:00pm Pizza and Watch Party (Socailization and possibly night runs) Saturday 8:00am Trail riding (Drivers Meeting, Offroading 9am-4pm(ish), Pack a Lunch) 5:30pm-10pm Banquet, Raffle and Prizes One change we know we are making is adding a “beginners group”. It will be lead by some of our trainers and will include some classroom time after the driver’s meeting on Friday morning (about an hour), some hand outs for future reference, and a full day of running routes and seasonal roads that will provide some beautiful scenery, mild challenges and minimal risk of any scratches. LODGING There is a block of hotel rooms at the Lumberjack Lodge being held under the Winter Blast event. Call them directly to see if any are still available. Lumberjack Lodge Address: 2980 Cook Rd, West Branch, MI 48661 Phone: (989) 345-3503 Another choice (a bit cheaper option) is the Super 8 by Wyndam which is located right behind the Lumberjack Lodge Super 8 Address: 2596 Austin Way, West Branch, MI 48661 Phone: (989) 345-8488 COST/SIGNUP Space is limited, so sign up today (https://memberplanet.com/events/glfwda/winterblastsnowwheelininsthelenpizzawwatchparty_2) Preview of 2025 Winter Blast Here's a quick video from 2025 -
Great Dad Jokes
What does a baby computer call his father? Data. After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets. I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.” What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop. Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos. I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner. What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple! Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate. My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve." How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire. I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing. Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart. Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable. If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands. Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode. It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this. I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet. If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. If a pig loses its voice…does it become disgruntled? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.” What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale. A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned. What is a guitar player's favorite Italian food? Strum-boli. How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something. People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece. Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. What's a lawyer's favorite drink? Subpoena colada. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI. What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? Fumbledore. How do nonbinary people hurt each other? They slash them. (They/them) I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough. I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7’s and 8’s. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. How do flat-earthers travel? On a plane. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line. My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The Space Bar. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess. I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up. I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.” I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows. I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table. "Cop: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia." Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!" My friend couldn't afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card. I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. Did you hear Bruce Springsteen changed the lyrics to one of his songs? What’s he going to change next—his hair? His clothes? His face? This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough. I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help. In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke. Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named worst employee at the toy factory. Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. If you're feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. "Sure," I said. "My door is always open." I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. "No," I said. "It's to look at." What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot. My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. What's brown and sticky? A stick. My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear. A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright. I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it. Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time. During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them. Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I'm just asking for a friend. Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes. I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.” What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. What did one monocle say to the other monocle? Let's get together and make a spectacle of ourselves. How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms? The experiment altered his jeans. I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn't come with a driver. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it. Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could do a wicked “Bohemian Rhapsody.” What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.” A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell. How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you! How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing. Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base. What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Boo-berries. I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find. Women should not have children after 36—really, 36 children is enough. What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad. Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won’t be able to make it. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off—too much sax and violins. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation." Swords will never go obsolete. They're cutting edge technology. I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job." What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? Bubble 07. 30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died. What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? I just found out Albert Einstein existed. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's a $1. That's inflation for you. My dad was born a conjoined twin, but separated at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed. Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming. I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better. My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.” If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called. I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic. In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.” I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly32 old guys. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5. When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline. What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.